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My r'n'r* lifestyle meant I had a week off from writing. (*rickety & really exhausting) After the excessive stress of the festive season, I finally reached that oh-thank-fuck-it’s-over stage. And with it came a mini-collapse. Anticipated, hence the planned break.

I didn’t go anywhere or change anything, other than returning the flat to a pre-decorated normality. But instead, took out the ‘there’s a ton of shit I need to be doing’ pressure. As a result, dearest readers - you will not be surprised in the slightest, I got a lot of shit achieved!

Well, not normal stuff but some planning for my other project* and time spent thinking, drifting, reading and generally filling the creative well. And that’s the good thing about allowing yourself some time off. Something I am appalling at doing.

I probably used all my dopamine being a work/lifeaholic. I know it’s bad for me and everyone in my life. Put it down to some deep shit about control and early life trauma. Or more likely, existential fear of if someone isn’t in the room with you…do they or I even exist? 👀

*This other project will be revealed soon…I promise.

Taking some time out has been a victory for the start of 2022 and for Parkinson’s.

I think I am terrified of stopping in case a) I literally freeze up and can’t ever move again or b) I am running out of time.

Predominantly it’s b. When I watched this video👇🏻by the amazing Brian Toronyi. I heard something I have been trying to formulate for a while.

Brian asks, how can one function when you lose 80% of something and expect a good outcome?

I hadn’t thought of looking at Parkinson’s in this way but it really clarifies what an arsepiece of a disease it is. We parky folk beat ourselves up about limitations when in reality it’s incredible we are able to function as highly as we do!

Taking a break is hard for me and giving myself a break is even harder. I have struggled with the standard approach to self-care/kindness as it hasn’t quite matched my lived reality. If I am running out of time, then how the hell can I take precious moments away from living as hard and fast as I can? If not for me, then for my kids and loved ones? I owe it to them to be ‘doing’ before the day comes when I am locked up in an uncooperative body. I’m doing what Brian says…fighting.

If there is anything my mini-break reminded me is that fighting is resistance. And resistance is futile…certainly, it’s not conducive to a healthy creative or physical state. Not to mention the horrific stress it puts me under. I’m a tough bugger but I’m not a fighter. My personal talents lie in endurance and creative workarounds; not campaigning, fighting, resisting. (I’m sure there is an internet personality quiz giving me a series of letters - FWIL - fire, wine, Italy lover 🧐)

I can live with the disappointment others may feel about my underachievement, but perhaps that went when I lost 80% of my dopamine.

Going further into the shit storm that is already 2022, I am arming myself with more mini-breaks, good wine and emulating my border collie by taking more naps.

With love

Emma xxx

P.S. If you like my rambles consider sharing them with your friends, I’d be pathetically grateful.