So, we wheat again...
Where Emma benefits from a mini-break
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My r'n'r* lifestyle meant I had a week off from writing. (*rickety & really exhausting) After the excessive stress of the festive season, I finally reached that oh-thank-fuck-itās-over stage. And with it came a mini-collapse. Anticipated, hence the planned break.
I didnāt go anywhere or change anything, other than returning the flat to a pre-decorated normality. But instead, took out the āthereās a ton of shit I need to be doingā pressure. As a result, dearest readers - you will not be surprised in the slightest, I got a lot of shit achieved!
Well, not normal stuff but some planning for my other project* and time spent thinking, drifting, reading and generally filling the creative well. And thatās the good thing about allowing yourself some time off. Something I am appalling at doing.
I probably used all my dopamine being a work/lifeaholic. I know itās bad for me and everyone in my life. Put it down to some deep shit about control and early life trauma. Or more likely, existential fear of if someone isnāt in the room with youā¦do they or I even exist? š
*This other project will be revealed soonā¦I promise.
Taking some time out has been a victory for the start of 2022 and for Parkinsonās.
I think I am terrified of stopping in case a) I literally freeze up and canāt ever move again or b) I am running out of time.
Predominantly itās b. When I watched this videošš»by the amazing Brian Toronyi. I heard something I have been trying to formulate for a while.
Brian asks, how can one function when you lose 80% of something and expect a good outcome?
I hadnāt thought of looking at Parkinsonās in this way but it really clarifies what an arsepiece of a disease it is. We parky folk beat ourselves up about limitations when in reality itās incredible we are able to function as highly as we do!
Taking a break is hard for me and giving myself a break is even harder. I have struggled with the standard approach to self-care/kindness as it hasnāt quite matched my lived reality. If I am running out of time, then how the hell can I take precious moments away from living as hard and fast as I can? If not for me, then for my kids and loved ones? I owe it to them to be ādoingā before the day comes when I am locked up in an uncooperative body. Iām doing what Brian saysā¦fighting.
If there is anything my mini-break reminded me is that fighting is resistance. And resistance is futileā¦certainly, itās not conducive to a healthy creative or physical state. Not to mention the horrific stress it puts me under. Iām a tough bugger but Iām not a fighter. My personal talents lie in endurance and creative workarounds; not campaigning, fighting, resisting. (Iām sure there is an internet personality quiz giving me a series of letters - FWIL - fire, wine, Italy lover š§)
I can live with the disappointment others may feel about my underachievement, but perhaps that went when I lost 80% of my dopamine.
Going further into the shit storm that is already 2022, I am arming myself with more mini-breaks, good wine and emulating my border collie by taking more naps.
With love
Emma xxx
P.S. If you like my rambles consider sharing them with your friends, Iād be pathetically grateful.